Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
