She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
