she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just pynch a tree in the face
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
