I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I would fuck him just for his dog
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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