my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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