I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize