if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize