Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
