My cat gives me a boner
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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