So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You need Xanax blowdarts
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
