You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
