So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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