I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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