are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
