When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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