ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
