Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
