I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
