Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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