He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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