The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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