dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
