i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
