I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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