you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
