I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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