and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize