I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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