there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
