your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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