just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we're making bets on your personal life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
