One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
