I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Alive.
So much puke
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
