Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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