Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
