i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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