he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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