yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
