apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
