Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
