honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
