But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
