Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
