The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize