drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
