She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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