Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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