i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
