the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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