Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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