yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
