I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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