i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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