8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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