is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
