I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
