So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
